Oh, Edward!
by obvioustwilightlover
Summary: Shes married, living with a vampire family, graduated and mortal. What more could Bella CULLEN possibly want? Ask Edward to find out! Please read and review! It makes me happy!
1. Flashlights

Oh, Edward!

**A/N : okay, I would like to say a few things. First, I am really sorry in advance for all the typos that I will make. Really, I'm a horrible typer. And I'm really sorry if I don't update very often, because I am a lazy person and sometimes my creativity is stolen by someone. I haven't figured out who yet… Anyway, this story will almost always be from Edward's point of view. If that changes, I'll let you know. Now, on with the possibly horrible story! Oh, by the way , they're at the Cullens' house. **

"Oh, Edward!" I heard Bella call.

I rushed to find her, anxious that something was wrong. I found her in the kitchen, looking up at a light bulb that seemed to have burnt out.

"What is it, love? Are you hurt?"

She looked up at me, and I could see she was upset.

"Edward, do you know what just happened?"

"No, I don't, but I'm sure I'm about to find out."

"Well, you are. I flicked this light on – or, I tried to – and I heard a pop, saw a blue flash, and stayed in the dark. Now, this is a serious problem because I just dropped my earring and I can't see anything in this darkness, and I don't want to step on it."

I glanced at the floor of the kitchen and quickly spied a small golden earring. I picked it up and held out my hand, showing her the small piece of jewelry.

"Here you go, darling. One earring. And a promise to fix that lightbulb." I smiled at her. To my surprise, she closed her eyes.

"No. Edward, I can't be dazzled right now. I'm serious. I need to talk to you about something very important. I should have asked you about this a long time ago, but this event triggered the thought. I have to ask you now."

My smile faded. What question or concern could a burnt out lightbulb possibly cause. Was she thinking she didn't want to live her life in darkness? Or did he need to see someone without such light skin? Whatever her comment, I was sure that it would not be positive.

She took a deep breath.

"Edward, I…I want you to get me a flashlight. I know it sounds silly, because you all have super-vision, but what if I'm alone? Like what happened just now. What if I had stepped onto the earring and started bleeding, and the scent bothered you so much that you couldn't come close to me and I bled to death? But if I had a flashlight, I would be able to see! A burnt-out light bulb wouldn't cause me any trouble! I could fend for myself…a bit. Please, get me a flashlight Edward."

I stared at my fiancée. I loved her more than anything in the world, but sometimes…sometimes I questionned her sanity. As I was sure everyone who knew her often did. I relaxed.

"Bella, honey, don't be ashamed of wanting a…flashlight. It's no trouble at all for me to get you one. In fact, I'll go out right now and get you one!"

She smiled her angelic smile at me, and I could see the reilef in her eyes.

"Oh, thank you Edward, thank you so much! I'll feel so much better once I have a flashlight. Go, please, but come back quickly!"

I grinned and bowed.

"Your wish is my command." Then I ran to the garage and started up my Volvo, intending to stop in at the first place that could possibly carry flashlights.

As I drove into Forks, I caught sight of a store thar had to sell flashlights.

I sighed as I realised what I would have to endure inside.

"Whatever pleases Bella…" I muttered.

I quickly parked my car and walked to the store. Just before I entered, I caught sight of the name again. Newton's Hardware Store. Ugh. That name would always haunt me.

I pushed open the door and, sure enough, I saw the annoying Newton boy standing behind the counter with his back to me. I quickly ducked behind some shelves and started my search for a flashlight. I saw one almost instantly and picked out a few in vibrant colors that Bella was sure to love. Then I walked up to the counter, laid down the items and cleared my throat.

Mike turned around, and shot me a disgusted look when he saw who I was.

"Cullen," he spat.

"Mike," I replied politely. Inside, I was anything but polite, calling him all the cusses I knew. I avoided reading his mind, knowing that I would see either horrible thoughts concerning Bella or completely stupid thoughts that might cause me to laugh out loud.

He looked down at the flashlights and grinned. I saw his plan even before he completely understood it, and reflexively invented a counter-attack.

Sure enough, he raised his voice enough for a group of five girls at the back of the store to hear him.

"Why, Cullen, all these pretty colors! Getting in touch with your feminine side, are you?" Then he leaned in and staged whispered, " by the way, I'm not interested."

I answered easily, before the girls could finish their giggles.

"Actually, Mike, these are for my fiancée, Bella Swan. She likes what you seem to think of as pretty colors."

I heard the girls rushing over.

"Hey, Mike, didn't you want to go out with Bella Swan? But she totally ditched you for him?" one of them said, jerking her thumb at me. How rude. But I let it slide and played along, enjoying myself.

"Yes, actually, my Bella is the very same who rejected Mike here. I remember that time…" I leaned in just as Mike had earlier and whispered loudly, "Mikey was devastated. Even now, you can see he still remains partly bi-sexual by imagining that an engaged male would want to go out with him." I shot Newton a look of pity while all the girls laughed outright, exchanging glances and thinking things along the lines of "Ew, he's right, Mike is so gay! I can't believe I ever wanted to go out with him," or "wow, Mike just got totally pwned by this Cullen guy!" and, my favourite, "Mike will have some serious lying to do at school!"

Even as they giggled, they walked toward the door, and one of them called out

"Bi, Mike!" setting off a new round of insane giggles. I could see one pulling out her cell phone, intending to call a few dozen other girls. I grinned at Mike, whose eyes were bulging with fury.

"Can I take these?" I asked, motioning at the flashlights. I could see he was about to explode.

"TAKE YOUR STUPID FLASHLIGHTS AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" he yelled, then ran to the back room.

I helped myself to a plastic bag, peeled off the barcodes from the fashlights and walked back out to my car. I drove home as quickly as I could while laughing rather hysterically. _That_ should take care of Mike.

I arrived home, composed myself and brought the flashlights to Bella, who was by now sitting in a chair in the living room.

"Your flashlights, love," I said, offering them to her.

She gasped in delight.

"Wow, Edward, these are so cute! Purple and orange and green…they're so bright and happy!" Then her face clouded.

"But…you bought these for me. Like a gift. Let me repay you, please!"

I grinned.

"No, you don't need to pay me back. I got them for free."

She looked at me, questions in her eyes that I planned not to answer right away.

**So, how did you like it? Please review!!!! And give me ideas! I have a few, but I don't want to use them up too quickly. Hope you enjoyed this!! I have a goal of 5 reviews. That's not too hard, right? Be a mate, review review review!!!**


	2. Hide And Go Seek

Oh, Edward!

**A/N : Okay, first review, not so great cough-pessimisticperson-cough. Anyway, thanks to the ****rest ****of you who are supporting my random idea! Thanks for more ideas, too. Kay, I'm gonna try again. Here is the new chapter : **

"Oh, Edward!" called Bella.

I was at her side in an instant, kneeling beside the chair she sat in. We were in the living room, though no members of my family were there. That was odd, because as far as I knew, none of them were out hunting. But I turned my attention back to my wife.

"How can I help, dear Bella?" I asked.

She answered right away, and I could hear a hint of frustration in her voice.

"Well, we were all sitting here, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie and I, when Emmett said he was bored. That launched a conversation on what we should do, and Jasper, fed up with all the emotions, suggested we play Hide and Go Seek. We all agreed – which I have my suspicions about – and they all said 'Not it' and ran off. So I'm it. And I can't find them anywhere." She pouted.

I fought back a laugh. This was what she upset about. How trivial. But if it made my Bella happy.

"I'll help you, love. We'll find them together." I flashed her a smile.

She smiled back, and I could see the relief in her eyes.

"But you'll have to tell me the rules, first," I added.

She looked shocked.

"You don't know how to play Hide and Go Seek? Edward, I'm shocked!"

I sighed.

"Bella, of course I know how to play Hide and Go Seek. But you'll need to tell me the boundaries, and if they're allowed to use their powers, and if they're allowed to change hiding spots and such."

She looked thoughtful for a second, then brightened.

"Well, no-one told me anything about that, so I guess it's up to me." She raised her voice slightly. "You have to hide in the house, you can't change hiding spots, and you can't use your powers." She paused, and turned to me. "That includes you, Edward. You can't read their minds to find out where they're hiding. Got it?"

"Got it," I replied seriously. "Let's go."

We started by looking in the kitchen. We checked in cupboards, on shelves, even in the fridge and oven. No-one was there.

"I didn't think there would be anyone here. They probably wouldn't be able to stand the smell of human food," said Bella matter-of-factly. I grinned. My fiancée was smart. I decided to put her to the test.

"Well, if you knew they weren't in the kitchen, do you know where they are?" I watched her face intently, and was pleased to see it light up.

"I don't know for sure if they're there, but I have a few guesses. Emmett will want to stretch the rules, so he'll probably hide somewhere that isn't specifically prohibited. And, since he expected me to seek alone, he'll probably be somewhere that I can't reach in my human-ness." She grinned up mischeviously at me. "That's where you come in. To the attic!" she cried. I led her there.

When we opened the door to the attic, we found the inside to be blocked by heavy boxes. Well, heavy for a human. I easily lifted them up and out of the way.

When we could both fit through, Bella put her hands on her hips and surveyed the area.

"Now, even Emmett isn't _completely_ stupid, so…" she started.

"Hey!" came a voice from behind a box. The hulking form of Emmett unfolded upwards, and he walked up to Bella.

"What do you mean, '_even _Emmett isn't _completely _stupid?'"

Bella grinned a slightly evil grin.

"Emmett, you just fell for my trick. Thanks for making my seeking a whole lot easier."

"What? I…You…That's not fair!" Emmett was by now very red in the face.

"Well…Jasper's hiding under the bookshelf in his room!" he blurted.

Bella smiled an innocent yet somehow demonic smile.

"And thanks again, Emmett, for completing the second part of my plan. Now, go wait in the living room like a good little vampire."

Emmett turned purple, then red, then an odd shade of crimson-burgundy. Then, mumbling, he stomped off towards the living room.

Bella and I laughed, all the while walking to Jasper's room. Just as Emmett had said, we found my emotional brother under his bookcase.

"Hey, Jasper," Bella greeted him innocently. "What'cha doing down there? Couldn't you have been more creative? Or…secretive?" She grinned.

"EMMETT!" bellowed Jasper. He took off, and a few seconds later we heard muffled yells coming from downstairs, and Jasper's hysterical screams.

This time, Bella was laughing so hard that she had to sit down for a while, and I laughed along with her, though not with as much energy. That was hard to do.

When she had finished wiping her eyes, I asked her :

"Where to next?"

She stood up and thought for a second.

"Alice's bathroom." I looked at her questionningly.

"Do you, uh, need to go?" Well, this would be awkward.

She laughed, truly amused.

"It's not for me, silly. It's for Rosalie. I can imagine her touching up her makeup perfectly even while she's laughing at Emmett and Jasper."

So to the bathroom we went.

When Bella opened the door, we found a very bored-looking Rosalie.

"I needed _something_ to do while waiting for you to find me. Took you long enough." Then she was gone.

"Now where, ma'am?" I asked, saluting smartly.

"Outside for a second. We'll need total privacy."

"Um, I don't think this is the right time, honey…"

Bella looked at me, startled.

"Why, Edward, you certainly are drawing strange conclusions today! Come, I'll explain outside." I followed her, confused but obedient.

When we arrived outside, she shut the door and leaned in close.

"Edward," she whispered in my ear, "I'm going to need your speed. I'm going to shout to Alice from downstairs, and then I'll nedd you to bring me up to the next floor immediately. Got it? I only came out here so she wouldn't hear our plans."

I gazed at my wife in admiration. What a smart young woman! Sometimes frighteningly so…

I nodded, and we went back inside.

She winked at me, then yelled at the stairs.

"Alice, you're the last to be found. You can come out now. The game's over."

I picked Bella up and ran her to the top of the stairs just in time to hear Alice's reply.

"No way! You think I'll fall for that? You have to find me!"

Her voice came from the third floor. Bella followed it and entered my room. How strange. That was where I had thought Alice's voice had come from too. Was my super-hearing rubbing off on Bella?

Bella went straight to the couch, then knelt and peeked under it. Her face lit up.

"Found you, Alice!" she cried, triumphant.

A pouting Alice slid out smoothly from under my couch.

"Aw! How did you find me?" I was glad she had asked, becaude I wanted to know the answer to that one too.

"I followed the sounf of your voice, and then guessed that you would be somewhere odd, and that you wouldn't be in Carlisle and Esme's room, because they're in there. Then I figured that you wouldn't have wanted to break any of Edward's CDs – or cause me to break them by looking for you – so logically you had to be under the couch." She shrugged. "It was easy."

Alice sighed.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted. Did you say I'm last to be found?" she asked, her petite face lighting up.

"Yep," answered Bella simply.

Alice squealed, then left for the living room, bragging all the way,

I turned to Bella, bursting with pride. I told her how I felt.

She looked at me questionningly.

"Why?" she asked.

"You found all my siblings easily. You needed me for the physical stuff, sure…" I tapped her forehead. "But you only used this for the rest. It's one of the reasons I love you," I added.

She grinned.

"Mind showing me some of that love?"

I smiled back.

"No problem."

Then I bent down to kiss her, closing the door with my leg behind us.

**Aww! Hope you liked the ending! Thanks for all the reviews! Double of what I asked for! Yes, I am a math genius! 1, 354 words for you! Hope you enjoyed it! Please review and give me ideas, people!!!**


	3. Feminine Needs

Oh, Edward!

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while! I need ideas, people, ideas! You are my idea-givers! You want story, I want ideas. But I also want to write. So here is an idea that I wanted to save for a bit longer, but that I will post because I'm sort of idea-less right now. So here you go!**

**Oh, one more thing. I've changed Bella's immortality. She is a human, and I'm changing the story description, too. Sorry about that, it just didn't fit with that last chapter. Okay, here's the new chapter!**

"Oh, Edward!" Bella called. I sighed. Why now? I had to deal with my brothers… I guess they would have to wait. I would make even the Volturi wait for my beautiful wife.

I set off to look for Bella, and, to my surprise, I found her in my bedroom. She was sitting on my couch, looking down at her feet.

"Bella?" I asked cautiously, "Is everything alright?"

At the sound of my voice, she looked up. She seemed…scared, fearful of something. Me?

"Um, could you close the door please, Edward? I would prefer to tell you this alone." She blushed as she spoke, and I could sense her embarrassment. I sighed again.

"Bella," I said sternly, "I love you, but if this is something silly like last time, when you played Hide and Go Seek…"

She looked offended.

"Edward, Hide and Go Seek is a universally recognized game. Do not mock it!" Then her features softened, and she looked upset. "What's wrong? You don't look happy."

I walked over to the couch and sat down beside her, naturally draping my arm over her shoulders and pulling her closer.

"Well, Jasper and Emmett have been annoying me, and I wanted to deal with them. But I haven't figured out how yet…" I trailed off, plotting already. But my personal angel's voice brought me back down to earth.

"How did they annoy you? Sometimes sharing your problems can make you feel better. Or…enlighten you with and idea." She grinned up at me.

I grinned back, then grew more serious, remembering what Jasper and Emmett had done to me.

"Emmett was trying to add something to his Jeep, I'm not exactly sure what. And, seeing as Alice is out hunting with Rosalie, Jasper offered to help him. While they were looking for a tool in the garage, Emmett scraped a hammer along the side of my Volvo. And, to make things worse, Jasper hated the sound so much that he dropped the super glue they were going to use to attach the thing all over the hood of my car! So I now have a scratched, sticky, no-longer-shiny Volvo S-60." I looked at my wife for support.

But with disappointment, I saw she was staring off into space, a concerned look on her face. It didn't look as though she had paid any attention to me or my story. Then I realized something. If she wasn't listening to me, and I know she loves me more than anything in the world, what on earth was bothering her? Feeling guilty for ignoring her problems, I gently shook her shoulder.

She looked startled, then embarrassed again.

"Oh, I'm sorry Edward, I spaced out. What was that?"

"Never mind, love, nothing I can't deal with. But what's bothering you?"

That familiar shade of crimson crept into her features, and she looked up at me shyly.

"Edward, normally I would try to avoid asking you this, because you're a boy, and I'm a girl, but Alice and Rosalie aren't here, and I don't want to drive because I'm scared I would get cramps at any second, but I really do need them, it's vital for my clothes, and the furniture, and anything I might sit on this week." She sped through her short speech, all the while avoiding my eyes. I had grasped her meaning after her reference to our gender differences, cramps, furniture being ruined and the fact that it lasted a week.

I lifted her chin, and her eyes finally met mine. She took a deep breath.

"Edward, I need…pads. Lots. And quickly, please." Her pleading puppy-dog eyes were heartbreaking. If I had a heart, I was sure it would be broken.

I smiled at her, and the sight of her face lighting up was enough to send me anywhere.

"Sweetheart, if those are what you want, those are what you get. And if anyone makes fun of me, I'll just tell them Bella Swan sent me. I'm sure losers like Newton would die to be in my place, even if it meant getting feminine needs for you every single day. But I'm not giving you up for anyone. I'll get your necessities right now. Do you want me to pick up some Aspirin, too?" She nodded, and I caught a glimpse of the love she had for me, deep in her depthless eyes, powerful and strong. I kissed her quickly, then left the room.

As soon as I was out of her sight, I crumpled. Pads? She wanted pads? Why, why, why? I knew she had her period, but I expected she would be prepared. Wasn't everyone? Weren't they supposed to be? Wasn't it a…a female responsibility or something? I panicked like that for a few moments, then stopped abruptly. A slow, evil smile spread across my face. Just at that moment, Emmett walked into the room. I could see Jasper a little ways down the hall, and quickly tried to hide my emotions. I could fool Emmett, but if Jasper felt what I was feeling, my plan would be blown.

Thankfully, Emmett, always helpful, started a conversation.

"Look, Edward, Jazz and I are really sorry about what we did to the Volvo, and we're willing to do anything to make it up to you." Just as he finished his sentence, Jasper hurled himself through the air and tackled him, yelling "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I guess I hadn't hidden my emotions well enough. Oh well. It didn't matter anymore. I had them in my power now.

I let my evil grin show, and Emmett realized at once what he had done.

"You've already planned your revenge! NO! Curse you, Edmund Antonio Mansion Callin! Curse yoooooouuuuuu!" He pointed his finger at me, while Jasper and I looked at him inquiringly.

"Um, Emmett…" asked Jasper.

"He wanted me to doubt his sanity and take pity on him. Nice try, Emmett." My grin grew wider.

Jasper sighed, while Emmett swore quietly.

"I forgot about the mind-reading thing…" he mumbled.

"Right…Anyway, I've come up with your punishment."

"Hurry up, Edward! My fear of your punishment is mixed with Emmett's confusion and your excitement! It's driving me crazy!" He tugged on his hair, though not hard enough to pull it out. He knew the consequences of dead hair.

I enjoyed watching Jasper go through emotional torture for a while longer, but I couldn't contain myself for much longer. I finally blurted my plan.

"You guys have to go to the store and by pads for Bella! And don't you dare tell her I made you go," I threatened. She would be horribly embarrassed.

I listened to them plead, complain and threaten without feeling. When Jasper tried to affect my emotions, I stopped him with a glare and a threat to max out his credit card. Realizing that Alice would be furious with him, he backed down.

Eventually, when they had both accepted their fate, my non-biological brothers headed out to the garage, where they both eyed the cause of their punishment. Emmett considered damaging it even more because he was already in trouble.

"Don't even think about it, Emmett," I ordered.

He shot me a look of pure venom.

"You may be able to read my thoughts, but you can't control them, Eddie," he sneered. Right before crashing into his Jeep. Jasper gave a low, humourless chuckle. At least he would have gotten one laugh out of this experience.

I watched them get into the Jeep and drive away. Emmett watched me in the rear-view mirror until they disappeared behind the trees.

Satisfied, I stayed outside so that Bella wouldn't suspect anything. Every now and then, I would catch glimpses of their thoughts: a few giggling girls; a wall of pads; an avalanche of pads; an angry manager; a sheepish-looking Emmett; a cashier suppressing laughter; the same angry manager; our driveway approaching rapidly. I looked up to see the Jeep speeding towards me and stopping quickly with a squeal of tires and a cloud of dust. I heard Bella call my name hopefully. I quickly kicked the guys out of the Jeep, and they left me with the pads and another explosion of dirt as they ran off with vampire speed. I looked up at my bedroom window, arms full of bags, and saw my wife smiling down at me with relief. I raced to her side, placing the bags down beside her. As I began unloading the packages, I noticed a small bottle at the bottom of a bag. I picked it up, intrigued, and saw that it was a bottle of Aspirin. How did they know to pick that up? I would have to ask them later. Right now, I was too distracted by Bella's beaming face to focus on much else. Her grateful eyes met mine, and she spoke in a voice thick with emotion.

"Oh, Edward, I can't believe that you did that for me! And without any complaints, too! I'm so proud! And I'm so…" Her bottom lip quivered, and her voice cracked. She broke down in tears, and I comforted her uneasily.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled into my chest, where her head was now buried, "but I'm just so grateful, and, and so happy and thankful and speechless." She looked up at me. "I love you, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. I always have and I always will." Her jaw was set, and I could sense the determination behind her words. Even as the tears poured down her face with the speed and force of Niagara Falls, she had managed to force out those words. I kissed her gently, then left her to take care of her business.

As she managed her feminine needs, I went to find Jasper and Emmett.

I found them in the living room, sitting in silence, shuddering every once in a while. I avoided reading their thoughts the best that I could. As I walked in to the room, they both looked up and, when they recognized me, ignored me. But my curiosity overcame my instinct to run. I voiced my question.

"How did you two know to get Aspirin? Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, but I'm curious."

Emmett's face darkened, while Jasper's lit up with grim humour. I could tell there was a good story behind this. I waited impatiently. Jasper didn't need any more prompting.

"Well, I won't go into detail, but Emmett made a mess and got the store manager out after us. I made him buy some Aspirin…that didn't turn out too well, but it was fun while it lasted." He smiled at some memory that remained hidden to me.

"Edward!" called Bella.

I rushed back to her, expecting the worse.

When I arrived, I found her happy and warm, snuggled under a blanket on my couch. She was smiling up at me, and glowing with pleasure.

Once again, I slid in beside her, positioning myself comfortably around her. I saw her shiver and protectively pulled the blanket up higher.

She smiled and sighed with joy. She nestled her head on my chest and curled up on my lap. She fell asleep a few minutes later with a gentle smile on her face, and I noticed for the first time that it was dark outside. I sat still, playing with her hair absent-mindedly as I reviewed the day's events…

**Awww! Cute enough for ya? Long enough for ya? I hope so! Now please, please, PLEASE give me some ideas! I'll mention you in the A/N winkwinknudgenudge! Please review and feel free to brainstorm! P.S. s****orry to all you boys out there! (if guys even read these stories…) Awk-ward!**


	4. Food

**Oh, Edward! **

**A/N: Thank you for all your ideas. They really help and, as promised, you will be mentioned in my note! So…a HUGE thanks to **_**elise-marieCULLEN**_** and **_**CynicalInkSlinger **_**for your ideas!! I would like to let you both know that you helped make the people who read this story happy, and you helped me feel happy!! Be proud of yourselves! And now, to see how I remixed your ideas: **

"Oh, Edward!" called Bella. Her voice came from the kitchen, so I hurried off in that direction.

She was standing in front of the opened fridge, frowning at it. I came up behind her and put an arm around her waist.

"What is it, love? Trying to cool down? I can help," I said quietly into her ear.

Her frown disappeared and she replaced it with a coy smile. She giggled.

"Even if it were the middle of winter I would want you to help me cool down, Edward." She closed the fridge, and I ran my other hand over her stomach, intending to link it with my other hand. But as I did so, I felt and heard her stomach rumble.

I pressed my cheek against hers, unable to wait for her reaction.

"Hungry, Bella?" I asked. With pleasure, I received the anticipated heating of her cheeks, and when I glanced at her I saw that she was blushing a delicate pink.

"Well, I was planning on telling you when you came in, but I got…distracted." She looked up at me pleadingly.

I chuckled quietly.

"Normally, I don't mind distracting you, but I think it would be best if I objected this time. Your survival is quite important to me."

"I'm not that hungry, Edward," she whined. Her stomach protested. I laughed again, and the corners of her mouth lifted slightly.

"I've always been a horrible liar. Now even my own body is against me," she mocked pouting, so I bent my neck gently.

"Maybe this will cheer you up," I said, pressing my lips to hers gently. I felt her relax instantly, and she gave a small sigh when I finally pulled away.

"I'll be back as soon as I can, love," I said, kissing her forehead. Then I went to the garage and started up my Volvo, anxious to get her food and get back.

Whoops.

Food.

What was I thinking? What did I know about food? I was a vampire for squad's sake! Why had I thought that I would be able to pick out food for a human?

_Yeah, what were you going to get her, Eddie? A mountain lion? _A little voice said sarcastically. The voice sounded like Emmett's, so, as I often do with Emmett's, I ignored it.

I started to calm myself down. It was just food, right? It wasn't as if it would attack me or anything. Everything would go just fine. I laughed at myself for freaking out. I had nearly had a full-blown panic attack about human food.

I pulled smoothly into a spot in the grocery store's parking lot. Grabbing my wallet, I quickly walked to the store and entered.

The first thing I noticed was the smell. The smell of blood. I stopped breathing, but not before I smelt the food. My nose crinkled in distaste as the two scents merged. Bloody food! I could easily be British.

The annoying drone of thoughts buzzed endlessly in my mind, and I tried my best to ignore it. I heard an employee thinking of coming over to 'offer assistance'. I tried to seem as though I knew what I was doing, but I soon heard a voice loud and clear beside me.

"Excuse me, sir, but do you need any help?" I turned around to see a young man, maybe 16 or 17, looking up at me from a few inches below.

"No, thanks," I replied politely. The boy didn't move, so I threw in a smile and turned back to the shelves of food. I could still feel his presence, so I moved down a bit. To my surprise and annoyance, he caught my arm.

"If there's anything, _anything _at all that you need me for, you just let me know." He was looking at me anxiously, and he gave me a not-so-subtle wink. Tuning in to his thoughts, I caught on.

"Oh," I said quietly. He was, to put it politely, not of the normal sexual orientation. How to get rid of him effectively? I thought for a moment, then warmly shook his hand, making sure that his fingers closed over my wedding ring.

"Duncan," I said, sneaking a peek at his name badge, "I really am grateful for the offer. Really, I am. But I have certain limits and restrictions," I ended, hoping he would get the point.

I saw his eyes widen as he felt my ring, then they lit up with excitement. Using our joined hands, he pulled me closer.

"I can get rid of that easily. I have a brother who's a priest, and I'm sure-"

"Thanks, but no thanks. Being married is one restriction, but another is that I'm strait." I quickly pulled away, and I was pretty sure I had hurt his hand. But I didn't care, all I knew was that I had to exit fast. I turned down the first aisle I saw.

I paused. I had never before been to a grocery store before, and yet I had seen this aisle somewhere… I started reading the names of some of the packages. Always, Poise, Kotex… Suddenly, with horror, I realized where I had seen this aisle before: in my brothers' thoughts. I got out of there as fast as possible, and using vampire speed, though I made sure no-one saw me.

I entered another aisle and looked up at the sign. Cereal, cookies, crackers and candy. Maybe the food was classified alphabetically. That would make this a lot easier.

I caught sight of box of cereal. I recognized the disgusting stuff that Bella had once eaten in front of me and grabbed it, trying not to look at it too much. I saw something called Dentyne and got some of that too, along with Oreos, Ritz, Chips Ahoy, KitKats and Aero. I sped through the remaining aisles, picking up, among other things: Chicken, beef broth, chocolate milk, white milk, cranberry juice, carrots, celery, lettuce, Caesar sauce, peanuts, Rice Krispies bars, some chewy animals, Tostitos, ketchup, barbecue chips, tomatoes and, at the checkout, People magazine, because there was a picture of a funny bald woman on the front who was rumoured to be crazy. I picked it up, thinking that it might make Bella laugh.

The final amount of food was 236 dollars worth, and the cashier looked at me oddly. How odd, I thought. Surely I wasn't the only person who bought food in the world.

I loaded the trunk of my Volvo and the backseat because the trunk couldn't hold it all. I vaguely wondered if Emmett's Jeep would have been able to contain all this food…

I climbed into the front seat with a bag of milk on my lap and easily swerved around cars backing in and pulling out of various parking spots. This lot was more dangerous than the road, I thought.

I sped home, enduring the smell of food the entire way. But I made it to the house eventually and quickly brought all the food to the kitchen. I looked at it in confusion. Where was it supposed to go? I used my common sense and finished putting it away just as Bella walked in.

"Edward!" she cried, throwing her arms around my neck, "I didn't know you were home!"

"I just got back, actually. The kitchen is now stocked with all the human food you could possibly want!" I grinned proudly.

"Really!" she exclaimed. "Let me see what you got me!"

Excitedly, she opened a cupboard, and frowned.

"Edward, why is the milk in here with the glasses?"

"Well, because you need a glass to drink liquids. The cranberry juice is in there, too, " I added, but I don't think Bella heard me. She had started laughing after my first sentence. I looked at her in confusion. What had I done wrong?

She caught sight of my face and stopped laughing immediately.

"Oh, Edward, honey, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to insult you. But, milk doesn't go in the cupboard, dear. Maybe…maybe you should take everything out from where you put it and put it back on the counter. I'll put it away. You've done enough today."

Feeling miserable and incredibly stupid, I nodded and began to unpack all the places where I had stored the food. It took me about 17 seconds. When all the food was laid out on and around the counter, Bella stared at it with her mouth open.

"Edward," she whispered, "how much did you pay for all this?" She didn't take her eyes off the food.

I relaxed. She was worried about the price.

"Oh, it cost me 236 dollars. Don't worry, love, I had enough money."

She turned to look at me with wide brown eyes.

"Two…hundred…and…forty…dollars? For…food?"

I shifted my weight from foot to foot uncomfortably as I nodded.

As soon as I did, a million emotions flitted over her face. Anger, pity, confusion, disbelief, and more confusion. Then, as her features returned to normal, all emotions were replaced by one: love.

"Oh, Edward. What will I do with you?"

I grinned.

"Hopefully kiss me." Without waiting for a reply, I stepped forward and pulled her into a long embrace. After a minute, she pulled away to breathe, then she pulled me to her again. I chuckled, and even as I kissed her, all the reasons I loved her filled my brain. This, surely, was one of them.

A/N: Awwwww! Edward is so good! Ha! I imagined Edward matter-of-factly explaining to Bella why he put the milk with the glasses…instant inspiration! Well, I hope you all enjoyed this! Please review!!!


	5. Minor Emergency

**Oh, Edward! **

**A/N : Yo. Yeah, I feel gangster right now. Don't worry, It won't affect my chapter. Too much. ******** Anyway, here is a new chapter that was inspired by **_**elise-marieCULLEN **_**so I thank her for **_**almost**_** everything. By the way, as I write this, I'm not even done my 4****th**** chapter. Teehee. So, here you go: **

"Oh, Edward!" I heard my wife call. Her cry was quickly followed by a sob. I rushed to her side, anxious and scared of what state I would find her in.

Sure enough, Bella was crying her eyes out beside the driveway, where Jasper's new 599 GTB Fiorano sat. (**A/N: You can find the link for a picture of Jasper's car on my newly updated profile******) Bella held an empty ice cream cone out in front of her.

I was about to step towards her when I paused to think. Why would Bella be crying? She's usually so tough – in a good way…I continued to ponder when I came to a horrifying conclusion. Esme had told me that women had their 'wonderful week', they could become emotionally unstable. I grimaced, remembering Bella's desire for pads.

But, because I was her husband, and because I loved her, I cautiously took a step…and nearly fell over!

My foot slid out from under me, and only my more-than-perfect reflexes and balance kept me from falling over. As I straightened, I looked down at the scene of the crime and saw a brown, liquidy substance on the ground. I recognized it as ice cream, which Bella had described as comfort food.

I froze as realization hit me. Bella was crying uncontrollably. Because her 'comfort food', which she was eating for _some_ reason, was ruined. I shuddered, but moved forward and put my eyes around my wife. I squeezed her reassuringly, then held her at arm's length. I took a deep, unnecessary breath.

"Bella, do you need more pads?" I asked.

She shook her head, but continued crying. I was happily surprised to find out that she wasn't in need of them, but suspicious as to while she was still crying.

"What is wrong then?"

She sniffled a bit before answering.

"To tell you the truth, Edward, I'm not exactly sure. I was just sitting out here, bored, when Jasper came out and suggested that I have some ice cream because it always makes me happy. I agreed, and he took me to the store to by ice cream cones, because he didn't have any, I guess you didn't pick any up when you went.

"Anyway, when we got back, he served me some ice cream and brought me back out here because he said Esme would be mad if I spilled on the carpet. I guess it was a good thing he made me come out here, because then my ice cream fell, and I called for you, and Jasper disappeared, and it's all just so tragic and overwhelming!" Her voice cracked right at the end, and I hugged her again, while trying to plan my revenge on Jasper. I had already figured out that he had affected her emotions. But I didn't know why… I'd have to ask him.

"Bella," I said gently, "why don't I serve you some more ice cream, and I'll go talk to Jasper about what he did, okay?" I spoke to her as though she were a child, scared of sparking another round of tears.

But instead of crying, Bella responded by exploding angrily:

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen! Jasper has been very nice to me, now don't you go talking about him as though he's done something wrong! It's rude, disrespectful and ungrateful behaviour that I will not allow."

I looked her in the eye, using all my dazzling power.

"The only being I know who is acting like that is Jasper." My plan worked. Bella was dazzled so much that she was shocked out of Jasper's effects for a moment, and she understood what was going on. She winked at me, then started yelling again. But now, I knew she as on my side.

"Edward! How dare you say that! And about your very own brother too! When I fell in love with you I had no idea of your now-obvious intentions! I knew you had no heart, but now I think that it has been replaced with pure veil, or evil disguised as a dead heart, or something!" I listened to Bella rant and scream at the spot where I had stood, and I was immensely proud of her. What an actress! I could only hope that her drama had fooled Jasper…

I found him in his room, roaring with laughter. He rolled on the ground, obviously pleased with himself.

Without hesitation, I walked over, picked him up by the scruff of the neck and lifted him to eye level.

"Hey!" he exclaimed breathlessly. Then he saw who I was and I could have sworn he became even paler.

"Edward? But Bella is yelling…" I carried him over to the window and showed him Bella, who was still yelling.

I opened his window and called down to her.

"It's alright, Bella. I've got him." I flashed her favourite smile, and I saw her eyes go blank. I grinned to myself, then turned back to Jasper.

"Stop affecting her emotions, Jazz." I could feel the energy in the air disappear.

"Good boy. Now, would you mind telling me why you were messing with her feelings?"

"Payback," he replied easily, a ruthless grin on his face.

I grinned evilly right back, and his smile disappeared instantly.

"Now Jasper, your little stunt has earned you a huge punishment. Hopefully, you will get the point, and you won't bother my wife again. I'm going to take a little drive, and I'll let you know what your punishment will be when I get back. And if you are not in this room by the time I get back, I advise you never to come home."

He gulped, but I felt no regret for him. No-one messes with my wife. No-one touches her without my permission. Jasper was going to learn that the hard way.

I dropped him so suddenly that he couldn't react and he hit the ground hard.

Just then, Alice ran into the room.

"Oh, Jasper! I am so sorry for your loss…" she started. Then she saw me.

"Not a word, Alice." I said.

"I'd just like to know why," she replied easily, not the least but troubled.

"He messed with my wife. While I wasn't around. As revenge for something I did to him."

Alice was furious.

"JASPER! HOW DARE YOU TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT ON BELLA! SHE'S HUMAN! SHE CAN'T DEFEND HERSELF! SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU! HOW COULD YOU?" Then, turning away from a very sorry-looking Jasper, Alice spoke to me.

"If you weren't going to do it, I would."

Then she resumed yelling at Jasper, and I left the room, closing the door behind me.

"Rose," I called.

She appeared beside me.

"Edward, what's going on? And how can I help?"

I told her the story, and she interjected in all the right places.

"…and I need you to take care of Bella for a few minutes. I have to go take revenge on Jasper, and I would prefer that she not be with me when I do," I finished.

She nodded.

"I assume you'll tell me what you did later?"

"You can bet on it. And thanks, Rose." She smiled, and I went to find Bella to fill her in. When she understood, I climbed into Jasper's brand new red Ferrari and sped down the road I drove it as fast as I could down empty roads, looking for the perfect spot. Finally, I found it.

I got up as much speed as I could, then crashed the vehicle into the side of the cement bridge. As I expected, it went flying and landed on the riverbank, away from any humans who might be harmed. Having jumped out at the last nanosecond, I stood unscathed on the bridge, replaying the scene in my mind. I was happy Jasper couldn't read minds, because I don't think I would have been able to hide my thoughts.

I ran back home and arrived around 6. I quickly kissed Bella, thanked Rosalie, and told everyone to join Carlisle and Esme, who were watching the news in the living room. I also instructed Jasper not to look outside or go outside.

As we all watched the television intently, the story finally showed up.

"And in recent news, a red 599 GTB Fiorano Ferrari was discovered on a riverbank late this afternoon. Police say that the vehicle seemed to have hit the bridge wall at around 150 miles per hour, the only way that it could have possibly flown so far. No injuries or deaths have been reported so far, but searchers have yet to find the body of the driver. We can only pray that this unfortunate human being is alive, and will be found soon."

By now, everyone except Jasper, Carlisle and Esme were laughing. Carlisle wqas wondering how the police were going to deal with the accident, while Esme refrained from exploding only because of the compassion she felt for her son.

Emmett choked out a few words from between roars of laughter.

"Well…we know…the driver…is dead!" he said, causing us all to laugh even harder. Even Carlisle, deep in thought, let out a small chuckle.

"Unfortunately, he's still haunting us!" snarled Jasper. He threw himself at me, and I nimbly jumped out of the way as I picked up Bella and placed her by Esme.

I raced outside, laughing as Jasper chased me.

"You're dead, Edward!" he roared.

"Yes, Jasper, I most certainly am! And I'm thankful, because if I weren't, that stunt never would have worked!"

**A/N: Haha! Jasper deserved that one! Please, go check out his car. It is one of the coolest cars ever!!!!! And thanks to those of you who waited to see it until they were done reading the story! I saw a lot of Favourite Story adds, and I'm happy you guys think that, but please, review! It makes my day! Thank you!!**


	6. Cooking Buddies

Oh, Edward!

A/N : So, I was just checking my stats and I noticed that I've gotten over 1200 hits for this story! I just wanted to say thanks to all of you who have taken time to read this, and an even bigger thank you to those who PRESS THE REVIEW BUTTON!! I'm serious! I have gotten almost 1300 hits on this story, and only about 40 reviews! Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful to all who review my story, but if half the people who read this story reviewed, I'd be ecstatic! I honestly don't even care if you're dissing me or anything! Whoops! This is getting a bit long, I'll continue at the bottom. Here's chapter 6!

"Oh, Edward!" called Bella persuasively. I came to stand beside her in the kitchen.

"What is it, love?" I asked.

"Edward, will you be my…" her voice trailed off as we made eye contact. I chuckled, remembering the effect I had on her. I slipped behind her and covered her eyes with my hand. I heard her sigh, and I laughed quietly again.

"Yes, I will be your…" I purposely didn't finish my sentence.

I felt her cheeks heat up as she remembered.

"Sorry," she mumbled, "but I wanted you to be my cooking buddy!"

I took my hands away from her eyes and turned her around so that she could see my inquiring look. Catching on, she explained :

"A cooking buddy helps the chef – moi – get ingredients ready, the kitchen clean, the instruments set out, etc. You basically..help me! If you're super good, I might even let you cook a bit!" she teased, tapping her finger on my nose.

"OOOOOH! I WANNA BE A COOKING BUDDY!" my over-grown toddler brother practically bounced into the room and started jumping up and down in anticipation.

Bella decided to have some fun with him.

"Well, let's see, Emmett. What are your qualifications? Do you have a resumé or a facebook page I can check?"

Emmett sat down on a chair, his face falling slightly at the word 'qualifications'. Reading his thoughts, I found out that it was because he wasn't completely sure of what the word meant.

"Well," he started, confident, "I have traveled to many places, so I have had the pleasure of seeing many different types of cuisine. I partly own the machines in this kitchen, so I could probably figure out how to repair them when you break them."

"Hey!" exclaimed my wife.

"Sorry, boss," mumbled Emmett. Wow. He may be incredibly dumb sometimes, but it seemed as though Emmett might actually ace his 'interview'.

"And," he continued, "I have a good eye for spotting the best-tasting grizzlies and I'm sure that I can provide the freshest meat in the country!" He smiled proudly.

Bella looked green.

"Emmett!" I yelled.

"What?" he asked with falsely-innocent eyes.

Just then, Rosalie sauntered in.

"Is my husband annoying you? I'm really sorry about any inconvenience he may have caused." She sounded as though she had recited the words many times before. Then she grinned. "I'll have to get a shorter leash."

It was Emmett's turn to exclaim indignantly before catching his wife's eye. He quieted immediately.

Bella, meanwhile, had resumed her usual paleness and addressed Emmett.

"Emmett, so long as you refrain from speaking of your eating habits, you may be a cooking buddy under the order of Chef Bella." She turned to Rose. "Feel free to help or observe."

Rosalie only nodded as Jasper walked casually into the kitchen.

"Hey, guys. What's going on? I could feel Emmett's excitement and pride from upstairs."

"I'm not _that _excited," protested Emmett as he positively glowed. He had a huge smile on his face, which didn't help his attempt at indifference.

Jasper rolled his eyes.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiight. If you were human, you would have peed your pants by now," he challenged.

Because Emmett looked ready to say something utterly stupid that might offend our disgust Bella, I quickly intervened.

"Now, guys, a kitchen is not the place to talk about these things. And it's even less appropriate because you are in front of two lovely ladies."

"Make that three!" chanted Alice as she skipped into the room, looking for all the world as though she were about to pull pixie dust out of her shopping bag and sprinkle it on us.

"Alice!" cried Bella. "You're here!"

"Well of course I'm here, darling! I wouldn't miss this for a chance at shopping in New York City!" Noticing our skeptical looks, she retorted defensively, "I've already been, duh."

Bella brightened, probably out of relief that Alice wouldn't drag her to NYC. She covered it up nicely, though.

"Were you just recently in New York?" she asked.

"No," replied Alice, confused. "Why would you think so?"

Bella pointed to Alice's gigantic bag.

"Because your bag looks like it's going to explode with all the stuff you bought."

Alice smiled a thousand-watt smile, obviously pleased.

"You noticed!"

"Well, obviously. I mean, that thing is bigger than your Porsche's trunk."

Alice's eyebrows furrowed as she remembered stuffing the bag into the backseat.

Alice's eyebrows furrowed as she remembered stuffing the bag into the backseat.

"Yes, that was quite a hassle, wasn't it? But anyway, it's time for my smart answer to your comment." She cleared her throat. "You noticed the bag, but I guess you haven't seen where it's from!" She held the ag out proudly in front of her.

Bella stared at the bag in horror as Rosalie read the name out loud.

"'Kitchen Lingerie'? Alice, what did you get?" she asked, ripping the bag out of Alice's grasp. Soon, white material was flying through the air. A piece that landed on my head annoyed me, and I yanked it off angrily, inspecting it.

It seemed to be some kind of apron, but with a lot more straps and detachable parts. It was made of very thin material, and didn't look as though it would fit me at all.

I heard Rosalie snickering and looked up.

"Checking out what your wife will be wearing?" she mocked.

Bella, who had been staring at the article the whole time, suddenly took the thing from my hands and searched through a few drawers. She seemed to find what she was looking for, because she left the room hiding something under the material. She was gone for a couple of minutes, then reappeared wearing it. Or…a warped version of what it used to be.

She had cut off all the unnecessary straps, or tied them around her to make a decent-looking apron. I looked on with pride. God, I loved my wife. She could certainly be stubborn when she wanted. As long as she was comfortable…

Alice screeched.

"Bella! What have you done to my kitchen lingerie! That was brand new! It's all the rage in Europe!"

"Which is why I live in America, Alice. Did you honestly think I would wear that?" She challenged my sister with her eyes, and Alice, suprisingly, admitted defeat by turning to Rose.

"You'll wear it, won't you Rose?" she asked pleadingly.

"Not in front of all of you! Emmett would burn down the house when he saw me."

"Naw, you'd set it on fire 'cuz you're so hot," replied Emmett. Disgusting.

Bella saved the rest of us from their version of sweet-talk by clapping her hands loudly.

"Now, cooking buddies! Calm down and help me out here! We will never get any cooking done if you goof around!"

We all did as she said, quieting down immediately.

"Technically, I outrank you, but for now," said Jasper, raising his hand to his forehead in a mock salute,"what are your orders?"

Bella grinned.

"I'm glad someone is catching on! Right, let's get down to business. First off, I'm going to need some knives, the oven pre-heated to 250 fahrenheit, and these ingredients," she finished, showing us a list of food products.

Before anyone could do as they were told, I held up a restraining hand.

"Wait. I have a few conditions. First of all, Bella is not allowed to handle the knives or the oven. Oh, or the stove," I added as an after thought.

Bella put on her stubborn face and looked up at me.

"Hey! I used to cook alone all the time before you came along. Compromise : you get to supervise." She gazed at me with determination.

I sighed, knowing what I had to do. I stepped towards her, ready to dazzle her. To my surprise, she closed her eyes and folded her arms across her chest.

"No, Edward. I've cooked before. I don't need our protection in the kitchen." She opened her eyes to glare at me for a second, then closed them quickly. I turned to Jasper, who was also avoiding my gaze.

"Jazz!" I pleaded. "This is for Bella's safety!" He didn't look at me when he answered.

"She's right, Edward. She has the power to do this alone."

"Thank you, Jasper," replied Bella, her eyes still closed.

I, too, shut my eyelids for a second, thinking. I _would _ be here. And so would my 'siblings'. I guess she would be okay…

"Fine," I said, more sighing than speaking. Bella's eyes flew open immediately and she threw her arms around my neck.

"Oh, thank you, Edward! I knew you'd understand!"

"Stubborn little girl," I muttered, though made sure she heard me.

"Stubborn little cook," she corrected with a grin. "Now, what had I asked you to do?"

We all rushed around the kitchen, preparing and fetching ingredients. When we realized that we had only dark chocolate chips, Emmett made a quick visit to the grocery store. Being Emmett, he came back with about 10 bags of chocolate chips.

"There were just so many kinds! It was hard to choose."

Bella beamed at him.

"That's just fine, Emmett. More cookies for me!" she added, and started to laugh evilly.

Cookies it was, then.

We mixed all the ingredients, while Bella basically sat and ate cookie dough while ordering us around. Sometimes she would come over and show us how to stir something or tell us we were holding a utensil wrong. After Emmett's fifth scolding, something inside him exploded.

"Oh, so you want me to stir the batter like this!" he yelled, stirring with vampire strength. Needless to say, neither the bowl nor the spoon he was using were Emmett- or vampire-proof. The bowl cracked into a few pieces, the counter was dented, and the spoon shattered. Batter went flying everywhere, covering all of us except for Rosalie, who managed to hide her face and most of her outfit behind a baking sheet. As she slowly unfolded from the ground, she glared at Emmett.

"You're not going to hurt me, are you, Rose?" asked her husband nervously.

After inspecting herself thoroughly, she responded.

"If I had gotten any batter on me, you would have been done for," she said menacingly.

Just then, a giant blob of the stuff fell and landed right on the top of her head. Her eyes went pitch black as she opened her mouth slowly.

I dove and pulled Bella to the ground, covering her ears in a weak attempt to shield her from what was surely to come.

And, sure enough, the screaming began. It would have been bloodcurdling, had I possessed any blood. I was sure Bella was in pain from the way she moaned. I saw her arm reach out and grab part of the batter-covered spoon. Then, something amazing and terrifying happened.

Bella threw the spoon. At Rosalie. And it hit her. In the stomach. On her new shirt.

But at least it stopped the screaming, which seemed to be the point.

Rosalie just stared at Bella for a moment with a look of evil in her eyes. And then, she spoke.

"_Did you just throw that dirty thing at me?_" she asked. Her voice was low and dangerous.

"Yes, I did. It was in self defence," Bella answered matter-of-factly. Then she darkened. "God, Rose! That was horrible, painful, hellish, glass-breaking, evil and dangerous! Why would you do that? Emmett's the one who did this! Why torture us? You have more fun hurting him anyway," she added.

Rosalie looked outraged, and actually considered screaming again. Then her eyes softened a bit, and she spoke to Bella apologetically.

"Oh, Bella, I'm sorry. You're right, I didn't even think. I'll deal with you alone," she added, turning to Emmett and pointing her finger at him. Then she looked back at Bella and an evil look crossed her face.

"However, you did throw something at me, Bella, and that can't go unpunished," she said coyly. Then she picked up a blob of batter and threw it at Bella so fast that I didn't have time to react, and I was ashamed. But the batter hit Bella lightly on the cheek, and she laughed and yelled:

"BATTER FIGHT!" And with that, she picked up a glob of the stuff and threw it at Emmett.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, and threw some at her. But she ducked, and it hit Jasper. In a few moments, the kitchen was covered in cookie batter.

That was when Esme came in.

We all stopped as though under a spell. I suspected Jasper, but didn't read his mind. Instead, I concentrated on getting into Esme's. But as soon as tried, I withdrew, shaken and confused.

Esme's emotions were so jumbled and messed up that I couldn't try to read them without getting dizzy almost immediately. It took me a few moments to rearrange my thoughts, and apparently it was the same for Esme.

But she must have eventually formed coherent thoughts, because she spoke…more or less.

"What…happened?"

As though we were children, we all mumbled excuses and pleaded her not to punish us – though only Bella pleaded.

"Just…clean it up…please," she said quietly before leaving the room.

We all looked at each other in silence for a while, until I felt Bella shaking in my arms. I looked down, expecting to see her crying.

Instead, she was actually laughing!

Noticing that I was staring at her in disbelief, she choked out a few words.

"That…was the…best…food fight…I've…ever…had!" she said before dissolving into fits if laughter once more. Her contagious laughter brought us all to dry tears, and we all ended up laughing on the ground.

As I looked at my batter-covered wife laughing hysterically even though she had to clean up this huge mess, I smiled and looked at her lovingly. This was my wife. This was my love. Forever.

**A/N: ****Yay! I finished my chappie! Wow, it was long, wasn't it? I thought so! Hope it was worth it!**


	7. Chapter 7

Oh, Edward!

**A/N : Sorry I haven't updated in a while! I'll explain in the bottom a/n. But for now, enjoy the chapter and don't forget to review!**

"Oh, Edward! EDWARD!" screamed Bella between fits of hysterical laughter. I followed her insane giggles to the living room, where I saw her rolling around on the floor. Emmett was kneeling beside her with his back to me. I tuned into his thoughts, trying to figure out what was going on.

"…yeah, that's it. Call for your precious Eddie. But when he gets here and finds out why I'm tickling you, I'm sure he'll encourage me! He's a guy, he'll understand…"

"Emmett, don't even call me that in your head. And would you please tell me what my wonderful wife has done now?"

My brother jumped at the sound of my voice, but his blurry hands never left Bella's sides, knees, feet and neck. He was obviously enjoying himself, even though I could see fury and embarrassement in his eyes.

"She insulted my manhood, Edward! You can't expect a guy to just let that go!" he half-yelled.

I gave Bella a hard look.

"Bella, that's a low blow. There are lots of other ways to insult Emmett, you don't need to point out his manliness… or lack of it," I added as I whizzed by him and rescued my wife, who was by now crying with laughter.

As I settled her shaking body down on the couch, I turned back to Emmett.

"Now, how exactly did she insult you?" I asked.

I glimpsed a pink shirt being held at huge arms' length and a vision of a guy lying in bed before Emmett managed to picture his last hunting trip to the soundtrack of 'Bubbly' by Colbie Caillat. He knew I loathed that song.

"Emmett," I threatened, "if you don't tell me, I'll ask Bella to."

He glared at me, then Bella, before sighing in defeat.

"Fine. It all started in a land far, far away…"

"Emmett!"

"Jeez! I'm just joking. Okay, well it actually started about 10 minutes ago, right in this room.

I walked in wearing this pink shirt, and Bella said : What the hell are you wearing? Very ridely, I might add," he said with a dark look in her direction and an imploring one in mine. I nodded, and he continued.

"Anyway, I answered that only real men wear pink –"

"Yeah, just like 'only real men only sleep with other men'," muttered Bella from beside me. Well, that explained the guy lying in bed that Emmett had imagined.

"That's what she said! See! She did it again!" whined Emmett.

It all my self-control to keep from laughing right then and there. To take my mind off it, I examined my surroundings… and caught sight of the pink dress shirt that my brother was wearing. I held my breath to keep from laughing. And I did honestly try my hardest not to, but…

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! EMMETT! WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF!" I roared with laughter. He looked shocked for a second, then glared at me with pure fake hatred.

"I thought you would be more mature than this, Edward. I guess I was wrong," he stated, nose in the air.

As I controlled my laughter unwillingly, I choked out my answer.

"You're also mistaken if you think you're gonna get with doing this to your shirt and not tell us about it."

He froze. We made eye contact.

"Never," he whispered.

"I'll get Jasper and Alice if you don't tell us now."

We hade a staring contest for a few minutes, but I finally stared him down.

"Fine," he spat.

He collapsed into a chair, looking weary. What was so embarrassing that he would fight so hard to protect?

We would find out soon enough, I imagined.

After what seemed an eternity, Emmett cleared his throat.

"It all started last night…

Rose and I had gotten into a small fight over – well, you don't need to know that. Anyway, it ended with her refusing to do my laundry for me – "

"Wait. You don't know how to do the laundry?" asked Bella. She seemed genuinely impressed.

"No, I don't. But that doesn't have anything to do with this story, Bella. As I was saying, I thus had to go and wash my own clothes. When I got to the washer and dryer, I just threw in all of our clothes –"

"Our?" I inquired.

"God, would you guys stop interrupting me? It's really annoying. But yes, our. I decided to wash Rose's stuff, too, thinking that maybe she would be less mad at me. Anyway, after I put the clothes in, I filled up the cap of the soap with the stuff and poured it in – "

"You filled up the _whole _cap?" asked Bella. She sounded nearly hysterical.

"Yeah. Duh. What, you don't think I would be able to do that?" he challenged.

"Emmett, were there bubbles everywhere when you got the clothes?" she asked.

"Yeah, and, by the way, that's not very convenient. I couldn't see what I was doing. But I bet you, being the laundry expert, could take out all the clothes through the bubbles without a problem," he sneered.

Bella simply shook her head, a look of disbelief and pity on her face.

"Emmett… you put _way _too much soap in. It's not supposed to overflow with bubbles. When you're done with your story, I'll give you a lesson in laundry 101."

Emmett simply stared at her. By the time he recovered, he seemed confused and scared.

"Oh, uh, thanks Bella. That's really nice of you. But I don't think Rose will let me near a washer ever again. See, because I threw all our stuff in at once, I guess the dyes mixed and turned my white shirt – the one I'm wearing now – pink. But that's not all. I sortakinda… dyed one of her favourite shirts this really ugly purple-brown-red color."

Bella and I stared at him in shock.

"Oh…my…God," whispered a voice. But it wasn't Bella.

I turned to see Alice and Jasper standing in the doorway, their mouths wide open. Alice had been the one to speak.

"Emmett, did this shirt have a lace trim around the sleeves and the bottom?" she asked.

"Um… hold on sec," he replied before disappearing. He was back a moment later, holding an extremely destroyed shirt.

There were strands of lace hanging from wher Alice had said it had existed. It was a horrible color, an indescribable shade of roanish-purple. It was wet in places, giving it the appearance of being stained several times. It was wrinkled and, if Emmett hadn't told us that belonged to Rosalie, I never would have guessed.

Alice, who had remained silent all throughout my inspection of the thing, stepped forward and took it from Emmett's hands.

She examined it carefully, turning it over in her hands, feeling the lace and scrutinizing the rips.

"Who here thinks this shirt is damaged beyond repair?" she asked.

I raised my hand, as did Bella, Jasper and Alice.

Emmett looked nervous.

"Can't you sew it together or something? Dye it?" Even as he spoke, Alice shook her head.

"There is nothing left to do… except tell Rose!" she cried, a huge smile spreading across her face.

"Tell me what?" came Rosalie's unmistakeable voice.

I was shocked. Alice had a known evil streak, but this… this was just mean. She didn't usually pull stunts like this. What was she doing?

As Rosalie walked into the room, Emmett grabbed the shirt fro Alice's hands and I heard a distinct ripping sound. I heard Bella inhale sharply.

"What was that?" asked Rosalie, observant as ever.

Bella stepped forward.

"Rose, I'm so sorry. I wanted to be nice, I thought I was helping you…"'her voice trailed off as she took a step closer to Emmett, and I saw her try to take the shirt from his grasp. But surprisingly, Emmett didn't let go.

He looked down at Bella, gratefulness in his eyes.

"Thanks, Bella. I appreciate the gesture, but I've got to be a real man." She grinned up at him sadly, and he took a deep, unnecessary breath.

"Will someone please tell me – " started Rosalie. But Emmett cut her off.

"Rose, I'm really sorry, but I wanted to cheer you up, so I tried to wash your clothes, but I put too much soap in, and I mixed our clothes together, and I totally messed it up, but it's the thought that counts…" he rambled on as he held out the shirt. Rosalie took it, looking it over, her face unreadble. To my annoyance, so were her thoughts.

She held up a hand, and Emmett shut up immediately. She turned to Alice.

"Is it irrepairable?" she asked.

Alice simply nodded.

Rosalie slowly looked up at Emmett. Then a huge smile lit up her face.

"Oh, Emmett! I love you! This shirt was horrible! A friend that I met in Europe gave this to me, and I hated it, but of course I couldn't get rid of it. But now, thanks to you, it's destroyed! And I never have to wear it again. Emmett, this is one of the best things that has ever happened to me!" She squealed in delight before throwing herself onto him and kissing him passionately. Emmett broke away to wink at us, before running off to their room.

I looked back at Alice.

"You knew?"'

She nodded, looking pleased.

"Had you going, didn't I?" she grinned.

Jasper looked at her with love-filled eyes.

"It's one of million reasons that I love you," he whispered, bending down to kiss her.

I quickly picked up Bella and brought her outside.

"You were going to sacrifice yourself for Emmett?" I asked, still impressed by bravery.

I could feel the heat from her cheeks as she blushed.

"Yeah. Emmett's my big teddybear brother. Plus, I knew Rose can't hurt the human," she joked.

I chuckled and slipped her around until she was facing me, though not touching the ground.

She tightened her legs around my waist.

"Don't worry, I'm not putting you down just yet. In fact, just the opposite," I whispered into her ear. As our lips touched, I enjoyed the moment asmuch as possible, losing myself in her warmth and love.

**A/N : As promised, an explanation. Well, I've been pretty busy with school stuff. In fact, I should probably be doing a history project right now, but oh well! And also, I've been watching Youtube videos. If you want a laugh, watch smosh! They are hilarious!!! But before you do that, please review. I've been craving those dozens of emails from Fanfiction every time I update! So be a buddy, and press that little Go button down there! Review!**


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